Beckoned to Come Freely

“Only by realizing the reality of the pain and acknowledging through lament to God our powerlessness and hopelessness, can we arrive at such a place of freedom as David Inhabited.” Michael Card (A Sacred Sorrow)

As a team we are studying a book on lament. Last week we focused on the life of David, a man after God’s own heart. David freely cried out to God in times of distress and desperation. This acknowledgement of pain, powerlessness, and hopelessness always led him back to worship. I continue to struggle with this idea of lament. I don’t allow myself to feel powerless or hopeless. I realized that because I am surrounded by so much injustice and suffering that many times I feel like when I am in distress I have no right to cry out when my distress seems like nothing compared to my neighbors. But this week I have truly reached the end of myself and for that I am thankful. The Lord is slowly breaking my walls of fear down, showing me that I cannot be Miss Fix It. This week He has shown me that I am powerless and through my powerlessness I can become hopeless. I found myself discouraged thinking of this young boy who I used to help financially with school, who while I was gone made some really bad choices, dropped out of school, and moved away from home. I met with him yesterday, but my heart feels hopeless. Is there anything that I can say or do that will change his heart? Can I really believe him when he says his behavior is improving? I also found out recently that two girls from my past discipleship group have made some bad choices at school. One of them is only a few months away from completing her high school education and now because of this choice she may have ruined her chances of finishing or at least finishing well. More powerlessness, more hopelessness. I am only remaining with 3 days in Bundibugyo. I am not ready to go, yet I am powerless. I have now truly arrived at this place of freedom where I am now crying out to God:

“How long O Lord will ears and hearts stay closed?
Will hearts ever change?
Is your kingdom really coming?
Will the walls of fear we put up ever be destroyed and broken down?
Why Lord is it time for me to go, yet I don’t feel ready?
Why do you throw me into relationships just to pull me right back out again?
I hope in people and then become disappointed.
I trust in myself and become defeated.
I come to you now out of my powerlessness, finding hope in your power, your grace, and your mercy.
For you O Lord have ordained each of our days. You discern our going out and our laying down and are familiar with all our ways.
You are the only one who can change hearts and can pursue us to the depths of our soul.
Though pain comes through sadness and loss of relationship, still you are there.
You say to me, ‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Isreael, your Savior.’ (Isaiah 43)
Cleanse me with your water O Lord, and refine me by your fire. My hope is in you."